In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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