I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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