So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
