I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
