How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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