Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
