how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
