dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
