I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
