Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
