his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
