Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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