my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
