Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Those nachos came to me in a dream
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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