im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
