I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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