I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
