if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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