I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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