I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
