A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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