All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize