im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
