my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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