All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
