it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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