How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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