theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
