easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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