Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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