I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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