hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
