tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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