So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
