I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
