She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
i think i just lost a toe
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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