why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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