Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
