I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
