We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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