i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
