Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
