I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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