where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
