Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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