My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
