I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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