apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
