at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
