You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
