Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
