I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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