It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
