Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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