Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
