My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
