I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
