I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
