I feel like abortions should bother me more
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
