God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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