I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
