I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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