dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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