you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
