My friends, they love my intelligence
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
she peed on how many people?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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