Moan for me like Helen Keller
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
