Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
