Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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