one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Randomize
