If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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